The New Normal

One of my favorite things to do since living in the city (NYC) is to wave and say hello to strangers on the street.  I love to do this, because I’m usually greeted back with a look a confusion. Sadly, I’m not sure people are used to genuine kindness from a stranger.  It happens, but perhaps maybe not as often as it should – I’m guilty of not doing it enough.

 

I also love to compliment strangers as well.  Some respond with surprise and gratefulness, while others are awkwardly trying to forget I ever said anything.  I’m not sure that we know how to respond to a genuine compliment. Is there a motive behind that compliment? Do you need something? Want something? What’s the catch? It’s sad, isn’t it?

 

I find it intimidating to be kind to a stranger when it’s not reciprocated.  I feel foolish, and kind of dorky. Here I am with a goofy grin on my face, and the other person is just staring at me in annoyance.   Oh well. At least I still did it.

In most recent years, I’ve come to notice something really profound when I take a moment to listen, acknowledge, or say hello to another person (heck, even a stranger).  We aren’t  as DIFFERENT from one another as we think we are.

 

We all want the same three things: Acceptance, love, and forgiveness. The details, years, and experiences in between those three common themes can vary with each person, but at the core of every human being, is a longing for those three things.  It doesn’t matter how confident a person can appear. You might even look at some man in a nice suit, and think, “oh. Well he must have it all together. He must have a substantial amount of funds in his account, and here I am struggling from paycheck to paycheck.”  When in reality, that man may have the poorest and saddest heart imaginable. He may be spending 100 hours in the office, just to escape the fact that he has a marriage that is falling apart, as a result of the tragic loss of his first born just a few months prior.

 

We’ve all suffered loss. All of us. We have all longed to be accepted by someone, loved by someone, and forgiven by someone. 

 

I think sometimes, we try to separate ourselves from another individual because we’ve been hurt. Maybe we choose to separate from another people group because we’ve been continually hurt, ostracized and abused by an individual (or individuals) from that people group. Wounds are real. But even more real, is the act of forgiveness. I don’t say any of this lightly, because of the current state of the “heart and soul” of our country, and need I say, WORLD. The idea that unforgiveness is an validated way to continue living your life, breaks my heart in a million ways. I can’t fix it. Honestly, it’s incredibly overwhelming, because that's how a lot of us live. We feel that there is no need to forgive someone who hurt us, or someone we love. We are happy to live our lives holding on to a suitcase filled with unforgiveness.

Here's a thought: That's not a burden we were meant to carry. Stop packing that suitcase with more crap. There's a Savor for carrying that kind of thing. His name is Jesus. More on that later.

 

What if we decided to look at others differently? What if, instead of assuming the worst about others – EVEN WHEN they treat us unjustly, that we extended kindness and compassion? It will probably be the most uncomfortable act that we do. We all know that ONE person who doesn't deserve any kindness. What if we were to look at ourselves in the metaphorical mirror of the forgiveness scale we so easily judge others? Would we extend kindness then? We should.

 

Quite honestly, forgiving and choosing to see the best in others can be incredibly frightening. It can make us feel weak, and not in control. When in fact, we are even more in control than when we give into the anger, bitterness, judgment.

 

Here’s a challenge for all of us.  It may even change your whole life - starting with your immediate perspective: Reach out to a stranger – someone that you’ve never met and probably would never normally speak to. Deliberately pick someone that intimidates you. Start a conversation with them, compliment them, smile at them and say hello…wherever that leads you.  You may find that person to be the most incredible individual that you’ve ever met. You may find a story within that person that speaks louder than the differences you thought you had with them.

 

Be a light in a very dark world. Reach down into the deepest part of your heart and find the courage to be different. Be that one person smiling on the subway when everyone else is grumbling and glaring at you in disgust. You never know what your smile, hello, compliment, and listening ear will be for another person. It may even be the difference between life and death for someone.

 

Jesus forgave when He knew we would betray and turn against Him. He forgave when He knew we’d be the ones crucifying Him. He loves us, even when He knows we are about to do something stupid. He looks at us with so much love that our minds would probably explode if He were here in person. I want to love like that. I want to love so liberally, so unconditionally, that others find me to be foolish. So, I guess…what I really want to be is that girl with the big goofy grin on her face after giving someone a genuine compliment, hello, or wave.  I might be called “weird” here and there, but that’s just because it’s not normal. 

 

Let’s make it normal.

On the Defense

I’m about to share something with you that is very personal, raw, and well…a little bit embarrassing. Let this be (by the grace of God) a glimpse of encouragement – and even more so, a light in a dark place.  I pray that what I’m about to share with you will be so much more than my vulnerability. I hope you see and feel hope in these words.

 

When did I become so defensive?  At what point in my life did I feel the need to defend all that I am to every person? In my job, my relationships, and even…with God. When did my insecurity (unbeknownst to me!) unravel so much that I felt I needed to pick up the pieces and defend my weaknesses?

The other day, whilst getting ready for work, I realized how incredibly insecure I had been in the last year. I let the opinions of other people, or the desire to please others, so that everyone could be comfortable or included, lead me in making decisions. No one’s fault, but mine!  HOW EXHAUSTING. Sure, I’ve had my share of insecure moments.  I mean, don’t we all? The problem is that my insecurity had become much bigger, smellier, uglier, because I believed some of my insecurities were justified.

I was sitting on my bed going over and over in my head how I had let myself get to this place of “defense” in every area of my life. I immediately began to pray.  I’ve learned over the years, that if I believe God is putting his “finger” on an area of my life that I need Him to help me with, then I’d better listen. That means tuning out every other voice. EVEN my own.  

“God, how did I get here?”

There will be many times in life when we make decisions that won’t be popular or understood.  It’s not up to us to please the “crowd.”  Jesus didn’t worry about offending someone for speaking truth (in love, by the way…huge difference from just spouting out) He only wanted to please His Father in EVERYTHING.  He is the ultimate example of confidence. He never felt the need to defend himself. Even when He was being beaten, bruised, and mistreated. Even in the midst of one of the greatest betrayals we will ever read about, He remained confident of His purpose on earth.

When I truly walk in confidence, my need to defend myself becomes be less and less necessary.  I don’t need to defend my character, my ability to do my job well, or even my reason for why I was chosen for any great opportunity in life.  God placed me where I am, and has given me all the abilities and skills that I need.  Even greater - He LOVES me. Everything else…every other opinion, is secondary.  Every time that I doubt my ability or my “deserving” of anything great, I am discounting the power of God that lives with in me. 

Living “freely and lightly” as Matthew 11: 28-30 tells us, can only happen when we get with God, and pay attention to how He leads us.  So…let’s stop trying to have it “all together.” Whatever that looks like for you.  It’s ok to not be the best, to be the wisest, to be the best leader, friend, husband, wife, sister or brother.  Matthew 11 also reminds us to “learn the unforced rhythms of grace.” WOW, what a great reminder! Every time I read this, I feel as though the scripture is saying, “WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD!?”

Maybe some of you are further along in this area of your life. If so, please stay that way.  Please continue to live bold and courageous lives so that others can see what confidence looks like. Don’t shrink back because you feel you don’t deserve where you are. The truth is, none of us do. Let that be a sweet reminder of the most wonderful grace of God in your life.  And…for the love of all things amazing (including chips and guacamole), don’t believe for a second that being confident means you aren’t humble! MY GOODNESS…I hate that lie. True confidence is a beautiful thing to watch. A man or woman that walks confidently, knows their purpose in life and isn’t ruled by the thoughts or opinions of others.  Confidence isn’t afraid of criticism, because it knows when to listen and when to dismiss it.  Confidence doesn’t avoid confrontation or critique because changing for the better is the greatest challenge and reward.

So, Walk in it. Breathe it. Live it. Speak it.

When you’re tempted to defend yourself, just stop, take a breath, and listen to what God is saying about you. I guarantee you it’s nothing but love and belief in you!

Anxious for NOTHING

It has been quite some time since I’ve sat down to write anything. My excuse? Well, I could come up with a few.

“My laptop died, and will not raise back to life.” (Dramatic, but also the truth)

“I hate typing anything of huge weight or substance on my phone.” (This is for many reasons…again excuses)

Or, the most REAL and raw of reasons:

“I have been so stressed, weighted with anxiety and stress that I cannot imagine sharing another piece of me.”

Heavy, I know. Trust me, I don’t mean to be that way. Often times, I force my arms or legs to do funny and ridiculous moves to try and shake myself out of the introspective place I am in some days.  Some days, I feel like I haven’t changed a bit. Am I the same person I was 5 years ago…2 years ago…or even last year?

“Gosh…I hope not.”

These last 8 months, I have felt more anxiety than I have in all the years leading up to this one – combined. I don’t understand it. Some days, I grab ahold of the words and promises of God, and I take anxiety by the “metaphorical” neck and throw it out back where the unwanted trash goes. On those days, I’m on top of the world. I feel closest to God. I can feel His presence more than anything, and it strengthens my bones. Literally, life breathing into my bones.

But then there are days (not often) when I don’t “feel” as strong. “Have I been defeated, again?  God, are you there?”  Through the dark glasses I (at some point) put on, and try to see the sunshine through them. I have forgotten about the promises of God, and I have forgotten that He has already defeated my enemy.  Then something truly incredible happens…in the midst of the anxiety that has somehow taken over, I hear His still, calm, and protective voice.  Maybe not audibly, but in my heart…in my spirit.  He reminds me – again - of His promises. He reminds me of his love and grace to be able to do ALL things in His name. It is literal LIFE, breathing into my bones. 

So, you see…He still wins. God still wins.  I am not sure why I have dealt with anxiety for this long and for this time. I can tell you that I know it’s not what my Father, God wants for me. I can also tell you that He is with me, even in the heaviest part of it.  

Let me encourage you, even in my weakness. Call out to God, and HE will be there. I love how the Lord tells us in Deuteronomy 30:14 – “The word is very near to you…it is as near as the tongue in your mouth, as near as the heart in your chest...”

Psalm 145:18 says, “The Lord is near is to all who call on Him...”

Oh what a beautiful, beautiful promise. What a hope-filled promise! That’s enough to put that smile back on your face, and a joyful belly-aching laugh back in your tummy! (Yes I said tummy…because that’s what you call it when you’re a child. God’s in the business of freeing us to the point where we see things with a child-like spirit.)

I love my church. I am also so blessed that I am a part of a church that creates some really good music.  The most recent album is called “EMPIRES.” TRUST ME…you want to listen to this. Even if you’re thinking, “I don’t even go to church.” PERFECT, actually. One of my favorite tunes on the album is so close to the life-giving words I have felt from Jesus, and the prayers I have prayed in response.  Check it out. I think you’ll be glad you did.

 

CLOSER THAN YOU KNOW - Hillsong United

I tempered the storm
Though your faith was small
I prayed while you slept
And the night waged war
We stood in the fire
And we walked on sea
And we drank of the wine
That was made of Me

Don't turn your eyes from Me
For My love won't be undone
Don't hide your face from Me
For My light has surely come

I carried that cross
And I felt your pain
I took up your crown
And I wore your shame
And death was a fire
And its teeth were grim
But I left it behind
Along with all your sin

Don't turn away from Me
For My love won't be undone
Don't hide your face from Me
For My light has surely come
Surely Come surely come

Lift up your eyes and see
Heaven is closer than you know
Lift up your voice and sing
Know that My love won't let you go
And I won't forsake you

And My light has surely come
Surely come surely come
And I'm closer than you know
And I'm closer than you know

Lord, I hear You I know You're there
Closer now than my skin and bones could dare
Breathing deep within me
You are always with me

I can see You where eyes can't stare
Brighter now than the sun could ever dare
Breathing all around me
God I know You're with me here

And my soul knows well
You are here

You are here
And my soul will praise You
And my soul will praise Your Name
Singing Holy is Your Name
Jesus

From One Woman to Another

Let’s be honest, Ladies…we can be brutal and awful to one another.  We can be judgmental, conniving, jealous, competitive, and threatened by one another.  For some reason (especially in NYC), we feel the need to do whatever it takes to climb to the top – even if it means that someone gets hurt along the way.

“It’s not personal, it’s just business.”

We sometimes assume the worst about another woman, especially if we feel threatened by their beauty. Am I the only one?

I think NOT.

I wonder… I wonder what life would be like if women uplifted one another instead of tearing each other down.  I wonder what insecurities would dissipate if we assumed the best about one another, EVEN if the other person’s motives aren’t good.

Now I know you’re probably thinking – “oh Nat, that’s cute. You want the world to be a better place. That’s so cute and naïve.”

Yeah, perhaps it is. But you see; I’ve actually seen what this looks like. I’ve seen it, and I’ve actually felt what this is like. It’s as real as the chair you are sitting on whilst reading this.

I’m a part of an amazing church that believes in women and the purpose they bring to this world. I actually know quite a few churches like this. Amazingly enough, the men in our church believe in us and support us as well. And even MORE, the women in our church lift each other up. We support one another…and we celebrate the beauty and successes in one another.  GASP. We SUPPORT THE SUCCESSES AND BEAUTY IN ONE ANOTHER?! YUP.

I don’t know about you, Ladies.  But I actually find this quality in other women  refreshing. It makes me want to be friends with women who carry this kind of grace-filled love for one another. And may I please add, that I actually (maybe I’m wrong) think that men find this attractive as well. I think Men might even respect a woman more when she exhibits this kind of humility towards other women.

What is more attractive than a woman who is confident enough to applaud and compliment another woman?

That doesn’t mean that we don’t deal with insecurity and feeling “ugly” or “fat” some days. It means that in SPITE of how we “feel,” we can still muster up enough love and confidence in who we are to reach out to another woman (even if we feel threatened by them in any way) to offer GENUINE kindness. Key word – GENUINE.

If I may… be so bold to say a few little “tid-bits.”

Please – for the love of the FATHER GOD in Heaven, Let’s STOP using the excuse that we are just hormonal. PLEASE.

I get it. Our hormones are a bit out of our control at times, and can be interesting to navigate for some women who do have an imbalance. For the rest of us, who actually have no excuse – let’s not use it anymore…ok? Ok.

So when we have moments where we are less than “pleasurable” to be around, how about we extend an extra bit of grace for one another. Recognize those moments of weakness, and go the extra mile.

Imagine if other women looked to YOU to be the “light” in their life. Imagine if instead of someone being turned off by your constant insecurity that outworks itself in rudeness or aloofness, that they are drawn to the fact that you INCLUDE others.  Gosh, I love when I meet other women that are inclusive! It makes me want to be a better person…and it challenges me to be more intentional about including others.

So how about it, Ladies? Let’s be more encouraging to one another.

Instead of getting upset with your friend who got the part you wanted in the show, or got the modeling job with the company that you wanted, that you celebrate with them instead.

Instead of allowing jealousy and hurt poison your heart because “everyone else is getting married and you aren’t”…that you celebrate.  TRUST ME; I know what this feels like. And I made a decision – a deliberate decision that I would celebrate with my friends, because I knew that my day would come. SO SUCK IT UP, and just be happy for each other! (Side note: my friends are AWESOME at this.)

I’ll leave you with this…

I think there is an incredible power in unity; especially when women come together to help one another. We can get a lot more accomplished this way.  Life is a LOT more enjoyable when we work together as well.

We don’t all have to be best friends, but we really should learn to work together better. It’s not impossible…but it may take a bit more humility on our part. Are you up for it?

 

Can I sit with you? - (The Struggle to Belong)

Growing up, I heard a lot of stories from kids my age whose parents sat them down, and told them that they would be moving to another city.  As a kid, there is an immediate "panic-dread" feeling that overwhelms you the minute you find out that you have to move to another city, state, or school.  Your life is now over. Done.

"But, I don't want to leave my friends! How will I make new ones?!"

Or..something like that. Even if you were the "cool" kid in school, you may not be in the next place - scary. Funny how that doesn't change with age.  "What if people don't like me in my new job?"

Let's just call it what it is. Let's just be honest with ourselves, and admit what we have all felt (at some point in our lives).  We just want to belong somewhere.

Years ago, a teen flick movie was released in theaters that uplifted the idea of popular, beautiful girls who bullied anyone who didn't fit into their ridiculous criteria.  I remember watching this movie with my friends, and I hated it. My immediate response was anger and frustration that this was something that thousands of young people would watch, laugh at, and imitate.

I realize that my response was perhaps a tad bit dramatic, but nonetheless, I hated this movie.  I've since watched it, and can look at it with a more "light-hearted" viewpoint, but I'm still not sure that I ever want to be "ok" with this movie.  And YES, I do realize there is a greater "moral" in this movie, that was SORT of communicated at the end of the movie.

I digress on that.

I think it's easy to look at other people and feel like you're the only one who doesn't belong.  You compare your life with theirs, and find a million and one reasons why you don't belong, and why EVERYONE ELSE does.

"Does anyone even notice me?"

OBVIOUSLY, THAT IS RIDICULOUS!! (and the biggest lie from the devil - he's such an idiot...and he's been feeding the same lie for centuries. Nothing new).

It's like the kids say these days, "Story of my life..." Ha.  Funny thing is, I'm sure a lot of people feel this way, and no one else would know it.

The more I think about this whole "fitting in" concept, the more I realize that sometimes when we "fit in," we end up becoming someone that we hate - or someone that isn't truly who we are.  We become more exclusive, instead of inclusive...and THAT, to me, is even more scary.

When I'm reminded I don't quite fit in whatever/wherever, I'm also reminded that someone else feels the same way.  The real truth, folks: I'm not sure any of us really fit in. I don't mean that in the way that you might think.  We all matter, but I don't necessarily believe we are all meant to fit in.

We are blessed enough to have friends/family that love us for who we are.  They love us with all of our insane thoughts, stupid immature moments, and more obviously - our endearing qualities.

Let's look at the idea of healthy FAMILY for a second.  A healthy family isn't perfect.  Each member within that family has different qualities, desires, dreams, and even faults.  How is that they all fit in though? Because each one of those members has made a decision to love each of the others, with no strings attached. They don't love them because they have everything in common, but just simply because of who they are.

THAT, is what belonging is all about.

Some of my best friends are incredibly good at making people feel welcomed - and truthfully, that is why they are my friends.  I find it difficult to be close with anyone who doesn't think that way.

EveryONE belongs, and everyONE matters.  If I can't find a commonality with someone, I try harder. I am primarily an introvert - but that's no excuse for being "too shy" to include someone else. And when I don't feel like I fit in, I try harder to make sure someone else doesn't feel the same way.  Then the most beautiful thing happens.  In the process of helping someone else, I am reminded that my part matters, and even more, that people matter. My focus shifts from me to others.

Jesus was/is the ultimate example of including others.  When He gave His life on the cross, He thought of US. Not just one person...all of us.  He thought of the world, present and future.  He didn't fit in either, but yet He is the son of God. If there was ever an example to follow, it's His. He didn't fit in, was shamed and persecuted, but yet He loved relentlessly.

I started writing this a few weeks back in a moment of weakness. I knew how I felt was real, but silly. Most of all, I knew I wasn't the only one.  But this is becoming less and less about me, and more about how I can do my part to include others.

Hopefully we are learning to grow in this as we get older.  Hopefully, we are teaching those after us how to do this.  I'm seriously tired of: "You can't sit with us!"

I'm going to start asking: "Can I sit WITH you?"

The Truth about Joy and other things...

I’m going to be as real and as raw as possible in this blog post…and I hope, if anything, it provides some sort of therapy for my mind. 

Here’s the brutal honesty.  I think most people put their “best foot forward” when it comes to social media.  Someone once commented on a photo I posted about laying in the grass and enjoying every moment, “Wow, your life is nearly perfect huh?”

I laughed really hard at that comment before replying…and for longer than 10 seconds.  The thing is, my life isn’t perfect..nobody’s life is! But I guess, for a few moments, every once in awhile, I like to celebrate the really really small things.  Because when we learn to celebrate the really really “seemingly insignificant” things/moments in life…we learn to enjoy life more. 

Sadly, I didn’t really learn that until I was in my late twenties, almost thirties.  

I HATE my job.  Hate it…in fact, I’d say that when I think about my job, I get a little sick feeling in the pitt of my stomach that doesn’t go away until I take a moment to pray about it. You see, my current job didn’t always give me that feeling.  I used to wake up, knowing I had a lot of work awaiting me, but I never had that nervous, sick, “so stressed out” I can barely get through this migraine feeling.  The past few months have been a continuation of this very feeling…day after day.  The weekends never quite seem long enough, and the moments when I’m enjoying life with the ones I love…never quite seem long enough.

I hate that. I despise the fact that I am so discontent.  I think what’s worse, is the fact that those feelings can so easily creep in and poison the beautiful things in life. 

I woke up this morning…trying to find an excuse to miss work.  But it’s not in my heart to ever be dishonest to get out of work, even when I think I deserve it.  (It’s a personal thing.. my parents instilled into me amazing principles in honesty).

Now, I could list all of the reasons why my job is an unhealthy place to work at…and also why I know it’s not somewhere I want to stay, but it would be pointless. It would be pointless, because maybe it’s a great place for someone else to work.  Obviously I want this business to grow and flourish…just without me. 

To answer the question I’m sure you are asking…YES, I am looking for another job. 

Here’s where it gets good.

Just when I think that things can’t get any worse at my job…God always steps in and shows Himself faithful.  I wish I could share the details, but all i’m going to say is that God is good.  

There are those moments in life when you feel a little bit “hopeless” about a certain situation, and it’s in those moments that I believe God sends reminders..

“I’m with you…I haven’t left…I’m still here…and I’m going to take care of this.”

I know my job story is SO minimal when compared to so many of yours, but let this small small example be a reminder that He is with you in whatever battle you are walking through.

I woke up this morning hearing the holy spirit remind me to CHOOSE JOY. My first response was, “REALLY?! Joy?! There is no joy at my job.”

Hahaha!…and quickly I was reminded all over again of the fact that I have a job. 

And that’s all I needed to shut up.  

In saying that, I do not believe God wants us to be miserable in life.  So, I am believing and trusting for more. I’m believing God has the perfect job out there for me..a job that I’m excited about.  I’m believing for an Ephesians 3:20 kind of job…”beyond what I could even think or ask…”

It’s definitely out there. Until then, I may hate my job…but I will choose JOY.  

I’m just gonna start laughing at all the dumb things that happen throughout my day instead of getting mad.  

I’m sure people will start thinking I’m crazy, but whatever. At least I’m laughing!!!

Also, here are some beautiful scripture reminders of joy:

James 1:2-3

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

John 16:22

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

My Morning Heart Explosion

I woke up this morning feeling like my heart was going to explode.

Well, that was AFTER the fact that I deliberately neglected to go to the gym.  You see, aside from the fact that I somehow manage to get to work at least an hour before my other colleagues, mornings aren't my strong suit.  One day, I'll be a champion at mornings.  (Insert, "I have a dream" speech...which is completely NOT related, ha!)

My heart....yes, my heart.  I admit that I am quite the emotional person.  Most of my emotion is internal, which can be a great thing...and can also turn into the most ridiculously selfish thirty second display of emotion.

Picture this.

I'm walking to work (subway ride, included), headphones in, listening to a BETHEL song (for those of you who don't know who they are...check this: www.bethelmusic.com ) on the highest setting I can put my iphone on without disturbing anyone else.  There is a bridge to the song which says:

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul cries out
All that is within me, Praise
Bless the Lord, Oh my soul cries out
All that is within me, Praise


Simple?  Yes, it is.  But the best part about something as simple and declarative as these words, is the fact that we sing them no matter how we feel.  I'm actually in what I would consider a "mountaintop season."  Is everything perfect? No, not at all.  But my soul is well.  I can see areas of my life that I was trusting God for breakthrough, actually bearing fruit.  As i'm listening to this song, all I can think of is how faithful God has been through everything.

Then, I start to think about how good Jesus is...

How He saved me...and how He continues to save me.

How He has won my heart...and how He continues to win my heart.

I'm thinking about how much He knows me more than I know myself.

How He has relentlessly pursued me since the day I was born, and still continues to.

How He takes care of my family, when I can't be near them.

How He takes captive every single thought that isn't from Him...and replaces it with love.

How He knows my mistakes..and still gives me what I don't deserve.

He has forever WON my heart (and all of my emotions!) ...and I will gladly let Him.


If anyone has earned it, He has.

I'm not sure if this post has any one theme, other than to say...Keep remembering His goodness.  Keep looking heavenward when all you see is calamity, chaos, confusion, and brokenness.  If you are in your BEST moments, remember Him.

He never forgets us... ever.

I'll leave you with a verse that I have prayed so many times:

Psalm 51:12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation.  And grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."

The Message version is mind blowing:

^7-15Soak me in your laundry and I’ll come out clean,
    scrub me and I’ll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
    set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don’t look too close for blemishes,
    give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
    shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don’t throw me out with the trash,
    or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
    put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
    so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
    and I’ll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;    I’ll let loose with your praise."

The Truth Is...

The truth is, not much has changed.  Or so it seems...

I still battle thoughts of unworthiness, failure, and fear.  I still have mornings when I wake up with the overwhelming thought that I am not good enough, strong enough, creative enough, adequate enough, or beautiful.

You would think, at the age of 30, that I would be well over combating the thoughts equal to that of a 15 year old insecure girl, but sometimes - I’m not. 

I wish that I could say that I never struggle with insecurity. Oh how good it would be to be confident in knowing I don’t fight against a lack of confidence..ha..that’s ironic.  The truth is, I do…some days.

As I was laying in bed thinking about all of these disappointing “truths” the other night, I felt the holy spirit remind me of something.

“Your insecurities NOW, are not the same as your insecurities THEN..”

WOW.  I have changed?  

Now the REAL truth. 

I don’t struggle with the same thoughts of insecurity.  I don’t battle the same feelings of unworthiness that I did even a year ago.  Jesus has redeemed and restored so much in my life, that I’m not even “moved” by the same thoughts that used to weigh me down before.

Day by day, He strengthens me.  As I wait upon Him..as I seek Him, He gives me strength to withstand anything.

A few years ago, I sat with a friend who is going through a very tragic circumstance in her family.  There had been unfaithfulness in the marriage…and every single fear imaginable came into my mind.  I kept thinking, “Well, I’ve had boyfriends cheat on me in the past…what if I have this with my husband one day?”  I was meant to be in my friend’s life as a support, and yet, I was afraid of the very same thing she was walking through.  

Recently, I found myself in very similar situation.  I remember thinking, “Oh, I hope I don’t start fearing this for my own life.”  It was in that exact moment when I realized: “I’m,ok.  God has already faithfully brought me through this in the past, and brought me to a place where I can TRUST Him with this part of my life.  I don’t need to fear for the future.” 

The TRUTH is, I’m not the same person that I was last year, or the year before.  I don’t deal with the same insecurities, fears, or doubts.  

The TRUTH is, I am walking with Jesus through new areas of trust in Him.  I am learning to trust Him with parts of my life that I have not trusted Him with before.  

So, it seems on some days, that I haven’t changed.  It seems like I am still that insecure little 15 year old girl that ‘can’t get it together!’  But that’s not the truth.  

It is a very GOOD thing to remind yourself of the TRUTH. Not the lies you hear all day long…but the truth.  

We don’t need to build “memorials” around the things we used to struggle with..and stay there.  Remind yourself of what God has done already.  Remind yourself of what He has delivered you from, what He is in the process of completing! Give yourself a good ol’ slap in the face if you need to.

I love the line from the movie “THE INCREDIBLES”:

“Pull yourself together! You are elasta-girl!”

Ha! Perhaps we need to remind ourselves of how much we can do in HIS name.  We are incredible…in HIM. We are indestructible in HIS name.  We may have been struck down at one time, but we are back up and better than ever now! 

Even if you don’t “feel” like it now. 

Since when has our faith in Jesus ever been based on our “feelings?!”  That’s what I have to remind myself of nearly every day.  

You are not where you could be..or should be…or have been.  

The truth is… He is strong in our weakness.  

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Now THAT is something to build a memorial around! Build a monument on the fact that in Jesus we are made strong…even in our weaknesses!  

Be patient with where you are at…allow God to complete what He has begun.  So yeah, maybe we still struggle with insecurities… let HIM walk with YOU through them.  Let Him strengthen you as you trust Him with your heart.

You are better than you think you are.  :)

And most of all, You are LOVED by a God who madly, and compassionately loves YOU.  

That is the TRUTH. Everything else…is a lie. 

P.s. A LOT can change in a moment...I just got back from a trip to Hawaii.. and there is no way that could have happened without God.

Being Brave

I have been pondering this verse for months now…and for some reason (unbeknownst to me…but definitely known by our Mighty God), I cannot shake it from my spirit.

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

How many times have we entertained fear like a guest we are scrambling around the house to prepare the most extravagant of feasts?  Instead of waging war against every fear-filled lie with the very life giving words of God (the Bible), we listen…and listen to them…the conniving whispers and tricks of the enemy.

LIES.  That’s all that fear is…lie after lie. 

Speaking of the devil...John 8:44… “When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” 

The word of God reminds us that every single word that goes against his very life-giving words is a lie…and even more, that those words come directly from the devil.  That is enough for me to stop listening, stop entertaining, and stop feeding those lies.  

I’ve learned in the most depressing, the most lonely, the most rejected of moments, that God’s word is my ONLY lifeline.  

I am so grateful for the moments when I sense fear, and run to God for help. Call it a crutch if you want…I don’t care. I need Him every single second of my desperate days. I need Him in the very celebratory moments, and in the not so famous ones. 

God makes me more brave.  I am convinced of that!  Daily, I am learning how to become completely reliant on the mighty God that I serve…and I don’t care how weak that makes me seem.  I can feel his very life strengthening me when I call on His name.  

When He calls us… we have NOTHING to fear..EVER.

I don’t know if there is much more I can say.. so I will leave you with some lyrics (and link to a video) to one of my new favorite songs by BETHEL, called “You Make Me Brave."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore 

Into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now 

the love that made a way

You make me brave

you make me brave

you call me out beyond the shore 

Into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now

The you’ve made

BRAVE

brāv/

adjective

1. 
   ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
   "a brave soldier"

synonyms:

courageous, valiant, valorous, intrepid, heroic, lionhearted, bold,fearless, gallant, daring, plucky, audacious; More

FEAR, WHAT?!

My parents are some of the most incredible people on the planet, hands down…and if you try to tell me yours are better, I’ll probably fight you (with a smile on my face, of course). 

My parents were always careful to monitor what us kids watched on television and in movies.  I specifically remember not being allowed to watch certain cartoons because some of the material encouraged evil and sorcery.  As a child, you can’t possibly understand this kind of thing, so you just go along with it...and sometimes you argue with your parents until you get into trouble. 

Even though I grew up in a safe, healthy environment, I still struggled with intense nightmares as a child.  There is no way that I could have made up some of the things I saw in my nightmares...they were intense. I remember countless nights of feeling “frozen” with fear.  

But every time I would wake up crying out for my mom and dad to come rescue me, one of them would come rushing in and immediately hold me close.  Without fail, they would pray the sweetest, most tender, and yet powerful prayer over my mind and heart. There was no greater feeling than the feeling of safety that would overwhelm me after they prayed.  It was very clear to me at that time that prayer worked, that Jesus loved me, and that the devil hated me. 

Fear is a very real thing.  It can be incredibly debilitating. Fear tells us lies about who we are, what we can and can’t do, who loves us, and who doesn’t.  Sometimes fear will creep in through the most unexpected ways, like through a friend trying to offer advice. Maybe it comes in the form of a rejection from a position you were applying for at work.   

Sometimes it looks like “jealousy” because everyone else is dating and you’re not..but really it’s just fear of not ever meeting the right person. It’s fear that God doesn’t have the best for you…I know that one all too well.

When I was walking through some of my darkest days last year, I learned something that I couldn’t have learned as a child. I had to learn this on my own..I had to make it real for myself, as an adult.

I learned how powerful prayer is over fear.

Yes, fear is a real thing…and it comes ONLY from a very real enemy (satan).  BUT, God is even more REAL than that.  He REALLY won, and He will continue to REALLY win forevermore.

The truth is, there will be good days, and there will be days that you wished never happened. And sometimes those days that you never wished happened lead to fears about the future.  Then, if we don’t allow God to help us address those fears, they can become so deeply rooted in us. I’ve even been so discouraged by my failures in relationships or past jobs, that I didn’t even want to talk to God about it.  I was so scared to let him into that part of my life, because I was afraid of failing again. Meanwhile, I imagine this patient and wonderful creator of the universe, just waiting for me to call upon Him for help.  He was waiting for me to trust Him to take care of the very things that paralyzed me with fear.

But let’s not forget the most powerful weapon that we have access to all the time!  A weapon that doesn’t actually need an introduction or proof.  This weapon has been said to be sharper than any two edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)

This is THE WORD OF GOD.  This is the Bible. 

When we speak the words of God we combat fears.  Fear only has the power we give it in our lives.  So if we continue to feed fears by listening to everyone’s opinions all of the time, instead of going to God’s word for validation, then that fear grows.  

What if we decided that every time a fear of rejection, failure, or stepping out in faith comes into our mind - that we immediately open up the word of God (Bible), and search fervently for a scripture that combats that lie? Imagine how that would alter the course of our day! 

For example.  FEAR: “What if I never find the right man/woman for my life? What if I always screw relationships up?”  

SCRIPTURE: Ephesians 3:20 “Now to Him who is ABLE to do immeasurably more than what we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us.”

So…if your fear is that you won’t get a job that is the desire of your heart.  If you fear that your past failed relationships will be your pattern for life, remember that God is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than what we can ask or imagine.  He is able.

I’m not sure there is much more to say about why we shouldn’t fear…and what I have learned from allowing fear into my life.  But I will leave you with a list of scriptures that have helped me along the way.  

I want to encourage you to dig into the word of God for yourself.  Find scriptures that will combat those fears.  I can promise you that your heart will be strengthened in speaking out the words of God over your life.  Let God into your life long enough to help you deal with those fears.  He wants us to be free of them!  Just like my parents rushed to my side when I cried out in fear, God comes rushing in to our side, holds us, and speaks life over us. 

Disclaimer: Once you open up the bible and realize how good it is, you might not want to put it down.  It will bring you life, hope, peace, and strengthen you. Just so you know…ENOY forever. 

Psalm 23 - ALL OF IT. :)

Psalm 27:1 “the Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life. Whom shall I fear?” 

Psalm 118:6 “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.”

2 Timothy 1:7 “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self discipline.”

Psalm 56:3-4 “When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, In God I trust; I will not be afraid.”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fea, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my gracious right hand.”

Isaiah 41:13 “For I am the Lord you God, who takes hold o four right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage, be strong.”

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..”

I Surrender

My friend Lauren and I have this on-going joke every time we travel anywhere together on the train.  For a while, every time we would get on the train to go somewhere, we would argue (disagree) about which end of the train was the right end to get onto.  Of course, I thought I was right...and so did she.

Well...the thing is...I was wrong almost every time.  The truth is, I can figure out where I'm going, if you give me a map. But, I am actually what they call "directionally challenged..." I mean, I can't be good at EVERYTHING. :)

Lauren and I would laugh about it afterwards - about how "sure" I was about where we were going, and how I was actually wrong.  I'm so glad I have no problem apologizing and admitting that i'm wrong. Otherwise, I would have some serious self esteem issues!

I was thinking about these moments this morning...thinking about how ridiculous it is when we THINK we know the right direction.  We are right..darn it!

"I KNOW this is right! I've done this so many times...and I KNOW that this will take us in the direction we need to go!"

The last time I rode the train with my friend Lauren, we both asked the question, "Which way do we go?"  My VERY quick response to this question as I threw my  hands up in a "surrender" like motion, "I have NO idea...I'm done thinking I know the right way! You probably know more than I do!"

I finally got to a point where I realized that she knew more than I did.  And it's not about her always being right, and me being wrong, it's about the fact that in this particular area, she had the knowledge that I didn't.

How close is this to our relationship with God?

I believe that God is so faithful to reveal bits and pieces of the "purpose" He has for us...but He doesn't reveal the whole picture.  How could He?  Not only could we not handle the magnitude of what He has planned for us, but we would probably try to alter the outcome in some way.

So, in the journey of following God, we get little glimpses of our purpose.  Our first step is to follow that prompting and guidance...because we want the perfect will of God, right? Yet, somehow in that process, we cling so tightly to that one small puzzle piece of an idea of what God has for us.  We cling so tightly, that we actually create a BOX that "tailor fits" that dream or purpose.

But...the problem lies in the fact that God doesn't fit in boxes.  He is too magnificent, too great, incredibly sovereign, too grand, and too good to fit in a man-made box.

Isaiah 40:12 (NIV) 

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?  Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?"

Oh, how I love Isaiah...so full of descriptions of our magnificent God!  

God is TOO BIG to fit into our "idea" of how we think our life should look!  He is in our dreams, and in our desires because He is the one who placed them in our hearts.  But, there is so much more where that came from...so much.

The older I get, the more I find myself in a posture of hands raised in surrender.  Every other day, I'm saying, "God, I'm done.  I'm done trying to be the captain of my own life...I actually don't know what I'm doing without you.  You always know what's best for me!"

By the way, admitting that you don't know what's best for your life and God does...is NOT a sign of weakness.  Maybe some of you need proof of this... 

When I first moved to Sydney, Australia to pursue bible college at Hillsong Church, I was sure I felt the spirit of God show me that was my HOME.  I felt that "word" so strong that nothing could shake what I believed in my heart to be true for my life.  It wasn't until my visa was a month away from expiring, that I started to question God.  

"But, you told me this was my HOME."

At that very time, Hillsong NYC was announced in church...and I couldn't even count how many people were telling me, "Nat, have you thought about NYC?"

"NO, I haven't thought about NYC because this is my home! This is my home..here because that's what I feel God put in my heart."  I was wrong.  You see, in the end...I felt the holy spirit lead me back home to the U.S..and on to NYC.  Five years later,  it's very clear to me why I didn't stay in Sydney.  I have been "stretched"far beyond what I ever thought I was capable of! 

I used to only think I was good at singing. My greatest passion was leading worship in church...so that's all I imagined for my life.  My vision was so narrow.  The longer I walk with Jesus, and learn to "surrender" my desires and dreams into His hands, the more I see GREATER opportunity arise in my life.  In the last 7 years, I have seen my capacity grow into so many different strengths.  Sure, I still love singing, and I believe that is still a part of God's purpose for my life. But it's just that...a PART of His plan.

Isn't it outrageous that we serve a God that requires surrender, and yet, what get in return from Him is FAR GREATER than what we laid down? I have had many moments where I have reluctantly laid down my desires to pick up God's for my life, for that time.  It always felt like I was losing something so dear to me...like someone ripped my heart from my chest. 

BUT GOD KNEW there was better for my life.  

Surrender is one of the most beautiful ways to worship God.  It is an incredible mix of faith, brokenness, and peace all working together.  The end result...a life we never imagined..even in our most elaborate dreams!

For the days I find this kind of surrender difficult I am reminded of Galatians 6:9:

"Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up!"  

KEY WORDS..."if we do not give up!"  It's pretty simple really - we can't receive the prize if we quit in the middle of the race. 

Why is it that even when God proves to us over and over, that His ways are truly better than ours, that we still need proof that He will be faithful to return to us what He asks us to surrender?  

"Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart...and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Take delight in the Lord, and He WILL give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4

Those two verses are not only reminders..but PROOF that He will be faithful when we surrender and trust in Him.

Another incredible thing that happens when we surrender, is that we create more room for God to actually do something massive in our lives!  We declutter our heart-space from what 'WE WANT" and what "WE FEEL is right," and make room for the extraordinary life that God always purposed us to have! It's such a bittersweet feeling when we end up with a clean slate again.  Our first reaction is to fill it with something...anything that makes sense!

But I believe, the moment we have the space for God to move in a outwork His wondrous plan for our lives, is the moment that we get to have a front row seat to the best show on the planet.  It's so much better than the "perfect" life..it's the BEST life!

Think about it. If we can make everything happen by our own efforts and works, then how good can our life actually be?  NOT that good.

I'd much rather have the CREATOR of all creators...the AUTHOR of all authors...the DREAM-GIVER for all dreamers...I'd rather have God write my story. I'd rather surrender my minuscule idea for my life, for a much more exciting one!

So perhaps, we don't know what is best for our lives...and maybe, just maybe...God does.  Maybe the direction that we've gone for the past how ever many years, isn't the direction that we need to go now.  Maybe, just maybe, God knows the right direction for us. What if we stopped; just long enough, to listen to where He was leading us?  What if we actually waited long enough for God to fulfill what He promised to us, before we gave up to easily?

God has the BEST life for us..just waiting for us to be obedient, attentive to His leading, and willing to surrender.

Give Him a chance to show you...He can be trusted.

The Most Beautiful Adventure

If there is ONE regret that I still think about, it would be that I wish I would have stayed in piano lessons.  I think about this…PROBABLY once or twice a month, especially when I want to sit down and write a song.  I used to search for songs that had only the most simple chord progressions - because that's all I knew how to play.

One of the few songs I could play on the piano was an an old worship song that I used to sing when I was in middle school, written by Graham Kendrick.  

All I once held dear, built my life upon

All this world reveres, and wars to own

All I once thought gain I have counted loss

Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus

Knowing you, there is no greater thing

You're my all, you're the best

You're my joy, my righteousness

And I love you, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know you more

To be found in you and known as yours

To possess by faith what I could not earn

All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of your risen life

And to know You in Your sufferings

To become like you in your death, my Lord

So with you to live and never die

I woke up this morning with this song in my head.  

"Knowing you, Jesus…Knowing you.  There is no greater thing.."

What a powerful statement to make - and OH so true!  I haven't lived for that long, but I have lived long enough to know life without Christ - even if I was still attending and serving in church.  There were so many years that I spent NOT really knowing Him.  

In not knowing Him, I wasn't aware of His goodness.  I had no idea about his grace and His mercy towards me.  How could I?  I had a bible - which are God's VERY words…but I barely cracked it open to read on a Sunday. Even more heartbreaking, was the fact that I had NO idea how much He loved me.  I had no idea that His love for me was greater than my sin…greater than my inability to understand Him.  I had no idea that He was bigger than the problems I was facing at school, in my family, and in my heart.  I had no idea, because I didn't know Him.

When I first moved to Sydney, Australia in 2006, I was like a rag doll that had been through the washer and dryer one too many times.  I was worn, and broken, and torn, and faded.  

"There is no way that God can use a wreck like me…" I would often say to myself. 

In time, I began to start talking to God.  Just talking. Nothing fancy, or well thought out, or profound - just my broken heart exposed for MY God.  That is all He wants.  Just my heart.

Through the years, I have learned that a relationship with Jesus really is the most exciting, the most challenging, the most freeing, and the most safe place to be.  He is everything that I need - forever.  Yet, He knows me well…even more than I know me.  He knows that one day I will need another person to share life with.  He knows that my friendships are important for my "every day."

Jesus is enough.  He's enough for me…all the time.  He's enough - even when I think He's not.  When I think that earning more money at my job would be better.   In my most vulnerable and unguarded moments, when I would replace my relationship with Jesus with anything BUT Him…  He is still more than enough.  He is still good.  He is still GOD. 

I love Philipians 3:8:

^"What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ."

WOW.  "I consider everything a LOSS when compared to knowing Christ Jesus, MY Lord…"  There really is nothing better.  

There comes a point in a relationship when you don't have to defend why you love that person, and why they are the greatest person that you've ever known.  You just know it.  The conviction of your belief in that person is so deep, and so strong, that no one and no thing can take that away.  That is how I feel about Jesus.  It isn't just one moment that has led me to this point.  It is every, single, day, since I made the decision to make Him MY Lord and Savior. 

Perhaps, if I told you that He has been with me through seasons of success and joy.  Or that He has remained faithful even through the nights that seemed darkest - when my sadness was so real, I felt like I couldn't breathe.  His words were my very lifeline.  Maybe that would be enough of an explanation.  

He is just as real in my victories as He is in my failures.  He hasn't abandoned me, or turned away from me, nor has his love for me lessened because of my mistakes.  He has remained GOOD through it all.  

I am forever grateful for the blessings that God has literally poured out in my life, but even still, they aren't nearly as satisfying as knowing Him.  My friendships, my family, my job, the desires of my heart fulfilled… all of these things are absolutely necessary for our lives here on Earth.  But they still aren't as rewarding as knowing Jesus.  

If we could build our lives upon KNOWING Jesus, wouldn't it be easier to deal with the loneliness, or the relationship deficiencies we go through on a daily basis? Wouldn't it make it easier to deal with what feels like a "closed door" or a "failure?"  I think our immediate response would still be that the BEST is still to come.  That would be our response because we seek to know Jesus…and in seeking to KNOW Him, we find out that He only wants the absolute best for us. 

In seeking to KNOW Jesus, our dependence on one person to satisfy every single need that we may ever have would be redirected to the only one who can truly satisfy our every need.  It just makes more sense.  

When we live like this, we live COMPLETE.  We live whole.  When we live whole, we have a greater capacity to love others.  Basically, we always win.  

Jesus is the completion of everything He has started.  He is not only the author, but the finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).  

He is IT…He is ALL.  

I'll finish with this quote from my daily devotional from A.W. Tozer:

"Martin Luther, the great Theologian, said that wholehearted religion lies in its personal pronoun.  When the human heart cries with the psalmist, a prophet, an apostle or mystic, it cries out "God is mine." And when the human heart worships God and says "mine," God responds by saying, "Yes, I am. I am yours."

Knowing HIM is the most beautiful adventure we will ever know.