BLANK CANVAS

Last night, one of my best friends walked into my room for our weekly "recap" on life...work...friends...whatever.

I always look forward to our talks.  Mainly because our conversations are always productive, and leave me wanting to be a better woman.

As she squatted down to find a place on the hardwood floor in my room, the words began to pour out of her mouth.  She began to share how she had come to NYC with big dreams, big plans, and the exact moves on how to get there.  She is famous (in my mind) for making thinks "happen."  She is not just a "talker," she makes it happen.  Even more incredible was the tree she painted on her wall that invited new ideas/dreams to take the place as leaves on the tree.

She would write out an idea, a dream, and place it on the tree.  Every day she would look at it, as a reminder of what God had placed on her heart - and she would believe in it. Unshakable in her faith of what God had put her on this earth to do, she would pursue these dreams in whatever way she could find.

That was until this year.


My friend began to find herself in places within our church - positions - that were completely uncomfortable and opposite to what she wanted to do.  But still, she kept faithfully serving.  Week after week, she would confide in the oddness of what she was doing, questioning whether or not she was doing the right thing for her life.  "Am I in the right place, and am I getting off track?"

So, in my room - at nearly 11:30pm, she confessed, "I remember the day that I took those written dreams off my wall for a specific reason that day.  I remember thinking that I was going to put them back up - perhaps even write new ones.  But I haven't been able to do this since then.  I feel like I'm a blank canvas now." (paraphrased, obviously)

As I heard these words,  I began to smile.  The kind of smile that people call "stupid and goofy."  I smiled even bigger in my heart (if that's possible?!) because this has been my story since I moved to NYC.

Up until moving here, I had plans for what I was going to do with my life...all framed around passions that I know the Lord has put on my heart.  The only problem is, that when we do this, we indadvertedly build 4 walls around what God has purposed to be free...and without borders.

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps."

When I think of this verse, I imagine that God puts those dreams and ideas in our heart so that we can start to dream and plan.  He steps in at the very moment when we can actually make it happen with our own ability.  He steps in and completely erases the chalkboard of our lives - and sometimes we wait awhile to find out what will be written next.  

The wait is the hardest part.  During the "wait," we get frustrated, thinking that we aren't making a difference or that we are so far from our actual purpose on the Earth.

Oh...but when God begins to paint on the canvas of your life again, it is absolutely beautiful.  It cannot be compared to anything that anyone has ever done before.  His picture is more detailed, more magnificent, more daring, more adventurous, more YOU...than anything you could have painted yourself.  

That is also the hardest part. 

I  have this big blank wall in my room.  It bothers me when I actually take the time to stare at it.  I've imagined a lot of ideas to fill that space, but none of them really satisfy (what I can't articulate) what I really want.  

Funny...I think that is how it is with the canvas of our life.  

We can fill it with a lot of really good ideas...dreams...plans.  In fact, some of those dreams and ideas were planted in our hearts by God himself - but the timing is what makes it the perfect fit/fill for our canvas.  

What if we filled the blank wall of our life with all the things we THOUGHT were good ideas and dreams?  Would there be any room for what we were actually meant to be doing?

I'd rather stare at a blank wall...and keep serving faithfully in the house of the Lord (Psalm 92:13) then to try and put 4 walls around a life that God intended to be "without borders."

So, I keep doing what's in my hand RIGHT NOW - being faithful to those things.  My job, my friends, my family, my serving capacity in church.  I believe as I keep taking one step in front of the other, I will find myself staring at a magnificent painting.

But don't get too comfortable with even that beautiful painting - we're just passing through - on to the next great canvas. 

The Beginning of THE BEGINNING

Spring.

There is something extra special about the spring-time...the budding flowers, the leaves that begin to grow back on the trees,  the "love" in the air, the sun that shines a little brighter, the grass turning a little greener, and; for every New York City dweller - the smiles that begin to appear on every face... as if they were hidden (or in hibernation) for the winter.

Many people liken the spring to new beginnings... a fresh start.  At least for myself, spring has always meant that something new and "good" was coming - that I was FINALLY going to see the "fruit" of all that I had labored in from the previous months.  

I believed in spring very much - put high hopes in it's fruit-bearing goodness.  I believed in it so much...UNTIL I sat down to write the first blog that i've written in over a year - about 30 minutes ago...and realized that it was time for a new start.  Perhaps, even...a NEW BEGINNING. 

"But, it's Fall."

That is exactly what I said to myself...thinking it would change what I knew in my heart was a timely "feeling."  

"But Fall is right before Winter...and winter is my least favorite.  Why would NOW be a good time for a beginning?!"  

Again, what I ALSO said to myself.

When I say "myself"...I actually mean myself - and God.  I find my conversations with Him to be hilarious most days - because I imagine Him waiting patiently as I talk myself through a solution that only He can fix. (a little side note - hilarious, but true)

As I sat down to write - after a year of delaying what I knew I was supposed to be doing (I know better...but I'm sure it has to do with running from what we're afraid of...etc etc.) I clicked on the old blog that I used to write on to add another entry.  

That is when I felt the holy spirit say, "No - it's time for something new...a New Beginning." 

So - here I am... not knowing at all where these new few months will take me.  But if there is one thing I know more than anything - it's that I can trust in Jesus with my life - and not just the parts of my life that are easy to let go of...MY WHOLE LIFE.

(2 Samuel 7:28:  "For you are God, O Sovereign Lord. Your words are truth, and you have promised these good things to your servant.") 

(Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not in your own understanding - but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will give you the desires of your heart.")

I know that this is the beginning of believing NEW things - believing more like He does for my life - for other's lives.  This is a time for HARVEST... a time to receive and yet prepare for what's ahead. 

So I step ahead. Vulnerably speaking,...with a broken heart...feeling a bit let down by what feels like rejection.  However, I KNOW He is faithful to not only heal it...but to give me peace while I may never have an answer as to "why." (Philippians 4:6-9)

But - this is not really about me... it's about all the people I will have a conversation with one day.  It is about all the stories people will share with me about their own heart breaks and failures.  And I will be able to share the undeniable faithfulness of my God. 

We often respond at the time of "harvest" with: "finally...all the things I've been waiting for...are mine!"...When our response should be more of thankfulness and preparedness for the season ahead.  

We can't predict the severity of the winter ahead any more than we can predict the weather (these days)...but we can prepare for it.  

This is my time to start preparing...no more looking backwards...no more wishing I had something that wasn't ever intended to be mine. 

I'm grateful for this NEW BEGINNING.

"Then He who is seated on the throne said, "behold, I am making all things new!" Then he said, "Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true." Revelations 21:5

(I love sunsets... this is a little over a week ago in Texas)