Expect More Surprises!!

I absolutely love surprises...surprise gifts, surprise birthday parties, surprise engagements...surprise friendships...and even surprise opportunities. 

I have a friend who cannot stand surprises. She has to know everything before it happens...or at least a clue. It's kind of endearing.  But I don't understand that.. I love the thought that someone went through the effort to surprise me. It means that they spent time, effort, love, and energy on making sure that I don't find out. 

Plus-it's exciting...and thrilling to wait for the surprise! 

Can you tell I love surprises??!!

I remember a few years ago, a friend of mine said to me, "Nat, I believe this year God wants to surprise you with gifts. Not the kind of gifts you would expect. But he knows you love to be surprised, so expect it!" 

Months passed by before I remembered that sweet reminder of God's goodness in my life. Later that year, I was asked to go with a team that was traveling to Indonesia to sing, and minister. An actual dream come true... Only I couldn't have dreamt that one up.  In fact, I wasn't the first choice of who they would choose for the trip. But, I was God's first choice.  It was favor that I did not expect... And certainly didn't earn. In the same moment that I was asked, I was also told that I needed to come up with the money for the trip within a few days.  I remember thinking, "ok God, if this is you.. And I believe it is... Then I trust that you will work the finance out." 

And within 30 minutes, someone gave me the initial money I needed to book the   trip. 

The crazy thing is, I shouldn't have been that surprised that God would make something like this happen. He's such an amazing dream giver, and dream maker. He can make it happen in a matter of seconds. But sometimes He intentionally takes years to make it happen. 

This next year, dare to dream big... REALLY BIG. Think of the most incredible dream you can imagine... God can do bigger! 

Expect the unexpected surprises. Expect that you'll be surprised with incredible friendships, relationships, restored relationships, better jobs, mind-blowing opportunities, and even better days than you've ever had! If this year was difficult, expect that God wants to redeem it with surprises beyond your wildest imagination! 

Why shouldn't we expect the BEST?! I don't know about you, but I feel like I've accepted the "less than" and "this is good enough" for so long. There is nothing wrong with being grateful for what we have right now, in fact, we always should be grateful! But why not trust God for more?!

Why not expect that you'll have the most incredible year?! 

No matter what obstacles and opportunities come your way this year, they do not have the last word.  God always has the last word, and He wants you to have the most adventurous, exciting, blessed, and strengthened life possible.  BELIEVE THAT.

And if you don't yet believe that, well, I hope you're ready to be surprised by the unfailing, unconditional, and (sometimes) unbelievable love of God!! 

Start thanking Him for what you've been praying for years about... Just assume it's already yours! (Ephesians 3:20... That's for everyone!) 

Even if you think you don't deserve a good life.. Well none of us do. :) So... Get over that thought and look heavenward (dig into the Bible) and find out what God says about you, and what He wants for you! (Jeremiah 29:11 is a good place to start!) 

Honestly, I don't care at all about what HAS happened. It's the past...and if God forgives us of our past (and chooses to forget it) when we ask him, why should we dwell there?! HELLO.

Moving on folks...

Get excited about what's ahead, and get ready to be surprised by the goodness of  God! 

Give more freely this year... Love more extravagantly, and open your heart more wisely. 

In the words of my Pastor, Brian Houston: "THE BEST IS YET TO COME!" 

"Low Point!"...thoughts from "The Holiday"

One of my favorite "holiday" movies...(or possibly, one of my favorite movies in general) is "The Holiday."   I love how redemptive this story is.  The story begins with four (well, Five if you count the cute older man) completely broken people. In a twist of perfect fate, they all somehow connect with one another and find peace through their own pain.  In the end, Love is redeemed...and none are left alone.  My favorite part of this movie is how each one of them begin to find someone to reach out to.  In their sadness, they decide to include someone (who could be alone) in their holiday.  So instead of wallowing in self pity for weeks, each one of them makes a purposeful decision to seize the moment.

 I don't know what it is about the holidays...but they are bittersweet for me.  Perhaps it's because I wish that my life looked differently every year at Christmas.  Or maybe it's because I'm away from family, and can't get off of work long enough to visit them.  Either way, my expectations are unrealistic, and quite selfish - If I were to be honest.

Sure, I love the "look" and "feel" of the holidays...especially in NYC.  I'm a huge fan of the massive Christmas Trees and sweet sounding carolers, the decor, and the Christmas Carols, and even the cheesy Holiday cards that I get from friends/family near and far.  But even as I walk down the streets of NYC, late  at night (most nights), after spending time with people...I can still feel "alone."

And I often ask myself the question, "Why does this bother me so much?"

I then wallow in self-pity for the next ten minutes, thinking about what I don't have...and who I don't have...it ends up being the biggest waste of ten minutes.  I'll never get those ten minutes back, ever.  I spent ten minutes thinking about how my life isn't good enough...and it's in that moment of BRASH realization that I shake my head at myself.

"Nat, why are you so selfish sometimes?!  As if there aren't bigger things in this world to spend your time on.."

I have to chuckle at these silly moments because I just think of that scene in the movie "The Holiday" where Kate Winslet is nursing her wounded heart by turning up the gas on her stove with the windows closed.  When she realizes how crazy that decision was after about 15 seconds, she quickly turns the stove off, opens the window, and slaps herself in the face saying..."Low point! Low point...!"

Hahaha!

I love her for that!  Not because I would have done something like that, but because I too have those moments where all of the sudden my thoughts go from "feeling alone" to "no one wants me in this WHOLE WIDE WORLD!"...

SERIOUSLY?!  LOW POINT.  Haha!

Now, here's the REALITY of my life.

There was a Savior who came from Heaven to Earth...He became a man...went through the same struggles I have...and died for me...he died for all of us.  Then, as if he wasn't already the most incredible man who will ever walk the planet...He rose from the dead (conquering death for then, now, and forevermore!) and is now seated in Heaven.  He left his spirit (the holy spirit) so that we would always know that he is with us!

I don't know about you, but when I think about that for even a few moments, My heart feels like it's going to BURST.  The God of the universe LOVED us SO much, that He created this magnificent display of His love for us - SO that (if we decide to) we could be with Him, one day!

You know what?  I may not have everything I want...or think that I need.  But I have MORE than enough.  I have a job, a family that loves me, friends that I couldn't thank God enough for, an incredible Church I call "home," a Home for myself (and those who may need a place to stay every once in a while, and a life that is FULL of adventure.

I actually feel pretty rich right now.  And it has nothing to do with the amount of possessions that I own.  In fact, I probably own the least amount of things that I have ever owned living here in NYC, but it's my heart that is rich and full.  I'm learning more and more how to be grateful for what I have...the people I am in relationship with, and the places I find myself every single day.

These things aren't accidents...they are purposed by God for my life.  I don't want to take that for granted.

I'll take what I have and make it large, beautiful, extravagant, plenty, enough, worthy, and worth it!

So, here's what I would say to you...if you are having a "LOW POINT"...take a moment and let joy fill your heart.  Laugh a little...seek something out that makes you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts.  This maybe the most difficult time of year for you, but let Jesus come into your heart and fill it with Joy and Peace.

Let Him redeem this Holiday for you.  He ABSOLUTELY CAN.

My only advise, take the hand of someone less fortunate than you (in some way), and lift their eyes to see Jesus through you.  Just because you are broken, doesn't mean you don't have anything to give.  You probably have more than you thought possible.  After all, you are attached to the ultimate Heart-mender...JESUS.

Fill your time with lending a hand...delivering gifts...scooping out portions of food for those who barely get one meal a day.  If you fill your time helping others (obviously in a healthy moderation...that's another blog for another time), you'll find your heart full of JOY.

This will be the most wonderful Christmas you have EVER had...I believe that.

Look up, look heavenward, and reach out.

Merry Christmas... (soon)

x

By the Grace of God

 A few months ago...I came across a song by Katy Perry. It was a song I NEEDED to hear.  And before you think or say anything judgmental towards me, please understand that God is so gracious. He's so gracious and sovereign that He will use anything to reach out to us in a way that we need.

(Moving on...)

So there I was, sitting at my desk at work.  When all of the sudden, this song came on. My friend had warned me about this song. She said, "You NEED to listen to this..."  I'm usually skeptical when people message me stuff like that. Not because I don't like to be teachable, but because I don't always feel like you (people) know what I'm going through...enough to tell me what song is good for me to hear. But...she was right. And I was humbled....again.

These are the words I heard.... (Katy Perry's - "By the Grace of God")

Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn

A long vacation didn’t sound so bad

Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain

Running on empty so out of gas

Thought I wasn’t enough

Found I wasn’t so tough

Layin’ on the bathroom floor

We were living on a fault line

And I felt the fault was all mine

Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)

I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)

I put one foot in front of the other

And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay

Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water

When the truth was like swallowing sand

Now every morning, there is no more mourning

Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough

Possible to be loved

It was not about me

Now I have to rise above

Let the universe call the bluff

Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

Within a matter of 30 seconds, I was a mess.  Sitting there in my uncomfortable desk chair...staring off into oblivion at the two computer screens in front of me.  I remember thinking, "She wrote my song."  

Now, my life has not been horrible, or tragic when compared to many others' situations...but I will say this: I have walked through some dark days.  And I do not apologize for saying that. But I will gladly share my journey with you because I think someone will always need to hear it. (side note: be very careful with who you share your struggles with while walking through them...always use wisdom and caution because NOT everyone should, and can handle your business).

I'm not sharing this because I feel like my life is exactly what I want it to be right now. I'm sharing this with you because I needed to hear the message in this song...

By the Grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay...

There were so many times when I wanted to run away...leave...quit..and never look back.  I believe, that although God is loving, and kind in his approach to our inability to trust Him, I don't think that "quitting" is a part of his plan...ever.  

I think the best thing we can tell ourselves is to STAY.  Some days, you've literally got to look in the mirror and tell yourself to STAY.

Speak to your spirit/heart, and tell it what/how to react! Get agressive...and fight for your life! 

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." Psalm 28:7

I will say this more often than not...the word of God is so powerful.  Use it...as much as possible. Maybe the answers to your questions never come, but that doesn't negate the goodness of our God.  And it definitely doesn't negate His promises over your life.  

So your life is a mess right now?  I know you feel like you're alone, but you aren't.  The feeling of loneliness, fear, doubt in what you once thought God spoke to you, broken heart, depression... I've been there.  

It's exhausting...carrying on.  It's also humiliating, thinking that you should be in a "better place." That's reality. So what can we do about it?

When you are faced with the very thing that breaks your heart...several times in a day/week...keep pushing on.  When you're not sure if you'll ever be "ok"...Keep moving.  Keep looking heavenward. 

There were days when I couldn't listen to even my best friends...because even their advise (although..it was biblical, wise advise) wasn't good enough. I had to stick my face in the bible and read.  I had to read the same "faith" confession verse..over and over. I read it until I actually started to believe it.  Did it take time? Absolutely. Did I have to remind myself everyday of that verse? Absolutely.

Do yourself a favor.  Don't assume silly things like "no one understands me..." But instead, assume that your situation is something that many have walked through - because that is probably true.  Even more than all of that - GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE US.  His word reminds us of that:

"Never will I leave you...Never will I forsake you."  Deuteronomy 31:6

In those moments when you feel like you're not getting any better... I challenge you to declare these words over  your life:

"I will live and not die. I will Proclaim what the Lord has done!"  Psalm 118:17 

Choose to thank the Lord for what you are trusting Him for...BEFORE you see it happen.  Thankfulness breeds incredible things right before your eyes.  It's not magic...it's the Kingdom of heaven at work in your life.  So whether or not you see it, God is at work...and He is moving around the pieces of your life in such a way that none of us could possibly understand. That's what makes Him, God. 

By the grace of God, you WILL carry on.  By the grace of God, you WILL be whole again. He WILL heal your heart.  He WILL restore your family.  And He WILL be your closest friend..and dearest companion along the way.  

I think it's time for us to stop complaining about where we are at, get up - and start to speak "life" over our situation.  Declare the goodness of the Lord!  Take it ONE step at a time. 

By the grace of GOD...you will be alright.  Keep your head up...there is so much hope in knowing that God has got YOU...and He's not letting go.  

HE is all you need.  

From One Single Woman to Another...

About 4 months ago...I was still heartbroken...still trying to figure out how I was ever going to be WHOLE again.  I remember sitting at home, alone - asking God what I should do about how I "felt." 

"God, how do I heal?  I know ONLY you can do this...but what can I be doing in the process?"

It was at that point that I - very clearly - felt Him lead me to read Proverbs 31.  

I remember the excitement I felt to read this passage.  I've read this passage several times, but I never really understood the reasoning behind spending a lot of time in this passage...until that day.  I said to God, "If you want me to read this, then can you please make one of these verses personal for MY life." 

As I sat down at the table and began to break down the passage-verse by verse- what I found was far more than I had ever seen before.  It DID become very personal for me...it came alive for me...and I couldn't believe how much these verses spoke to where I was at - in that moment.

I was incredibly encouraged and challenged by what I read, so I thought I'd share it with you ladies.  I took this from THE MESSAGE version of the Bible, but feel free to check it out from whichever version you prefer. 


"A good woman is hard to find,
    and worth far more than diamonds."

How do I even begin with this one...what is the definition of GOOD?  Basically - NOT high maintenance, kind, gentle, care-free, loving...etc...the exact opposite of bad.  I want to be a rare find.  Not because I'm special, or better than anyone else.  But to the man I am perfect for, I will be a rare find for him. That is what I am aiming to be..I don't want to fit into a mold set by the world.  I want to be ME. The best me that I can be.   


"Her husband trusts her without reserve,
    and never has reason to regret it."

I have to be honest, this is probably my favorite one out of all of these scriptures.  Her husband TRUSTS her...WOW.  How many times have we heard woman talk badly about their husbands to a crowd? Nothing upsets me more!  I'm not saying it won't be easy to not want to vent about something that will upset me, but I don't want ever want to disrespect or dishonor him as my husband...ESPECIALLY behind his back. I'll leave those moments of "stupidity" for when we will have disagreements face to face. Also, don't think for a second that woman can't cheat on their husbands. No man or woman is superman or superwoman...protect and guard your relationship AS if the enemy has a plan to destroy it. Because, NEWS FLASH - the devil HATES a healthy relationship.  I want my husband to fully and completely trust me with every single part of him.  I love the last part of this... "and never has a reason to regret it." WHOA. 


"Never spiteful, she treats him generously
    all her life long."

Not a hard one to misinterpret...spite is ugly.  Ladies, learn to deal with issues that hurt you and bother you BEFORE they get to the point of "spite." Easier said then done...I know.


"She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
    and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
    and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
    for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
    then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
    rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
    is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
    diligent in homemaking."

This whole passage literally blows my mind.  Imagine if  we were all so diligent in whatever God had put in our hands that we were constantly creating, and finding savvy ways to do everything.  Even when I am financially well off (because I plan on being in a better financial place than I am now), I want to learn to buy and take care of things with wisdom.  God honors this kind of thinking...so Ladies, let's always be thinking this way.  It's not wrong to want nice things, but learn to take care of what you do have now. 


"She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
    reaches out to help the poor."

This will ALWAYS be important.  Learn to keep your eyes and heart open for any and every opportunity.  Maybe you can't do everything...but gather some other girlfriends and get to work! 


"She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
    their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
"She makes her own clothing,
    and dresses in colorful linens and silks."

I love this. Don't just let your husband be the one who doesn't worry...learn to depend on God for EVERYTHING, yourself...that way you can stand along side WITH him, IN FAITH. Also, easier said than done. :)


"Her husband is greatly respected
    when he deliberates with the city fathers."

This is very personal for me...because I believe God has shown me small details about my husband....this one is very important one for me.  Ladies, when you are being pursued by a man, make sure he is respected by the people who speak into your life. If he isn't (yet), then wait...it might not be time.  And that doesn't mean that he isn't a good guy...just might not be ready.  Ladies, this might be a good time for us to work on this for ourselves.  Are we respected? Not are we "well-known"...two different things. 


"She designs gowns and sells them,
    brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops."

This is just hilarious - I WISH I could do this...who knows?!



"Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
    and she always faces tomorrow with a smile."

Appearance isn't everything...but it does matter.  Respect yourself by taking care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, and I promise, you will feel better about yourself.  Also...there is nothing more attractive than a smile.  I have actually read studies that say that a man will approach a woman who is smiling and laughing (that might not be as physically attractive) over a "very attractive" woman who isn't smiling.  Hmm...not a hard one, Ladies.  SMILE more...joy is contagious! 


"When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
    and she always says it kindly."

Also another VERY attractive quality...kindness.  Practice it often.  Anytime I see a man who exhibits kindness often, I'm immediately more attracted to who they are.  I want to spend time with them, simply because I know that they are not "too manly" to be kind to someone.  I will also add that kindness should not just be shown to the person you might be "interested" in for relationship...it should be shown to everyone.  A man or woman who does this consistently with all people, is a KEEPER! 


"She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
    and keeps them all busy and productive."

Learn to be proactive about what needs to be done and taken care of. Don't just rely on someone else to do it...you can learn this a single woman.  My dad taught me how to do a lot of things - something I'm grateful for.  Sure, I want my husband to feel like he has value by helping out with things, but I don't want him to feel like if he doesn't, It won't get done. That's just stupid. (too harsh?)


"Her children respect and bless her;
    her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
    but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
    The woman to be admired and praised
    is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
    Festoon her life with praises!"

What an amazing statement to have said about you!!  I think that if we are all (by the grace of God) seeking to be the best that we can be...before we are married, we might just be alright.  I'm glad that I have had all of this time as a single woman...because I've been able to deal with terrible habits and beliefs that would have been detrimental to a marriage.  My goal is not to be perfect...it's to be like  Jesus.  

 If you're wondering if Proverbs 31 applies to your life right now...it does. And it ALWAYS will.  I think marriage preparation begins as a single woman.   Let's learn to find our "completeness" and "wholeness" in Jesus alone.  This won't change when we get married...or even when we have children.  Learning this now means that we will be better about not placing unrealistic expectations on people...and one day, on our husband. 

Ask Jesus to help you to be the most amazing wife, now.  You don't need a husband to be preparing for one...

Ok, I'm done. :)

Sticks and Stones...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones...but words will never hurt me."

WHAT A LIE.

We have all heard this quote...and were indadvertedly taught this "principle"...and how this one silly quote would fix all of the terrible things that kids would say about us in school.  Even teachers would use this quote as a lesson in class to address bullying.  The crazy thing is that I witnessed teachers doing the bullying...and it was nothing short of heartbreaking.  

Our words are SO powerful.  The bible has much to say about our words and how they can alter a person's life:

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18:21

WOW..."death and life are in the power of the tongue..."  Every single word that we say can either have the power to bring life or death to someone - even more - to our own life.

Just this week, I found myself in a conversation about another person...one that started out as "genuine concern" for that person, but quickly turned to negative complaints.  I hate gossip...absolutely hate it.  I usually stay far from it, and discourage it as much as possible.  But it wasn't until after I finished this conversation, that I realized my words about this person were bringing "death"...instead of speaking life.  

(I could talk more about gossip...but I digress :)  We've all been guilty...)

Often times, I hear girls talk about how there aren't any "good men" out there!  Complaining, complaining, complaining like they have it all together, but that there were no MEN around to meet them where they are at.  Here's the thing - Ladies (and gentlemen)... if you don't speak life over people, they may not ever become what they CAN be.

For example, if all I talk about in regards to the guys in my life is how they are "falling short" of my expectations, then that is exactly what they will be through my eyes.  I don't ever want to be the reason why someone doesn't step out and do great things.  I don't want to be the reason why someone begins to doubt the "call of God" on their life.  I definitely don't want to be the reason why a man is delayed on becoming the man of God that He can be.  

So - girls...and guys...let's be better with our words towards other people.  Remember that we will all let each other down, make mistakes, hurt one another...not because it's ok to do either of these things, but simply because we are human - and we are learning to be better people.  Let's encourage one another on the journey...choose to see the BEST in one another.

Ask God for wisdom in all of your relationships (friendships, etc.), and He will faithfully give it to you. 

I'd rather be known as someone who believed the best in someone...and got hurt in the process...then someone who was so afraid to love (believe the best) because I might get hurt.

Our words are so powerful...it's like our very own "built-in" weapon.  Be careful, cautious, wise, slow to speak, and kind with your words.  We don't have to be fake - just kind and full of grace.

What does it take to change the world around us?  I think it takes MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF GRACE for one another.  

I once heard a story about a GREAT man. Him and his wife often make a "home" for people...either in their home, or wherever they go.  He had a guy staying with them for a long period of time.  This guy kept getting into trouble, kept acting out, not living the life that this couple believed he could. But when someone asked this couple, "why do you still let him live with you...? What if he never changes?" This couple responded with this: "But what if he DOES change?"

WOW.  

What if our response to everyone was "But what if they do change?"

What if our words were quick to encourage - with NO motive other than to believe in the best in that person.

Life or Death...that's what our words are for others...

Another tip that I have learned - when you feel like you need encouragement, GIVE IT.

ALWAYS works...it's faultless because it's a "kingdom principle." 

"You’ll not likely go wrong here if you keep remembering that our Master said, ‘You’re far happier giving than getting.’” - Acts 20:35 (The message)

Love Again.

When I was (roughly) 12 years old, I broke my collar bone in a skating accident.  Up until that point in my life, I had never broken a bone.  I remember the feeling of realizing how much I needed that part of my body after it was broken - and how much I had taken it for granted before that moment.  For weeks after that, I had to learn how to do every-day-activities with a broken collar bone.  It was so annoying. That was the first summer I was allowed to go to summer camp, and I had to wear this "stupid" (my words) brace that was very uncomfortable and painful, at times.  Let me also add that I looked ridiculous wearing it underneath my shirts!

"How was any boy going to like me if I looked like this?!" - Oh, the selfish thoughts of a 12 year old girl!

But, in order for that bone to heal - I had to be uncomfortable...and go through some pain before it healed.  I'm now grateful for that brace.  If not for that brace, I'd be walking around with a strange hump in my collar bone and years of pain.

What about a broken heart?  How do you keep going, keep serving God, keep loving...with a broken heart?

Perhaps the road that has led you to a broken heart is a dream that hasn't happened yet.  Could it be a relationship that was good in all the right ways, that somehow didn't work out?  Even more, is it that you just can't seem to see the sunshine in anything - that somehow, your life is without taste, lacks passion, and your vision seems lost?

I can honestly say that I know EXACTLY how you feel - to all of the above.

Contrary to what many feel, I have not really seen a reason to be depressed about much in my life. Sure, I've dated the guy who cheated on me, and watched my heart get broken over and over - unfairly. Of course, I've watched someone else win what was "my dream" job and tour the world. Yes, I watched my (amazing) parent's marriage fell apart as divorce became a new label in my family. I also know what it feels like to watch someone close to me pass away.  But I have never REALLY known or understood depression - until earlier this year.

I had a good thing going.  An opportunity that I felt COMPLETE peace about was finally mine to live. In fact, many of the people I would call "mentors" felt that same peace.  It was a GOOD thing.  But before I could even be grateful, it was taken from me.  Confusion, heartache, and sleeplessness were now my closest companions.

I kept serving in my church, doing what I loved, but my heart ached.  Countless nights, I'd wake up feeling like my heart would come out of my chest.  I remember thinking, "Nat, you're being dramatic! Get a grip!"  Prayer was the ONLY thing I knew to do.  God, very quickly, became my protector, my friend, my peace, and my only HOPE.  I learned all over again, that prayer is a VERY powerful weapon against every single thought the devil launches our way.

Ephesians 6:13-18 in the message says:

"Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters."

Month after month, I watched as others' dreams were being awakened.  I watched God do "so much for other people," and I kept wondering, "What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?  I know I'm not perfect, but why does my life look so different?"  Everything in my view looked "cloudy" because I truly believed that God did not have the BEST for me.  More specifically, in the area of relationships.

 The truth is, figuratively speaking, the roots of my belief in this area of my life were that "I would never have a good marriage, and that no man would actually want me."  I kept saying out loud all the "right" and godly things to say, but deep down, I didn't actually believe they were for me.

But - God's promises are not just for a select few... they are for me too.

Over this past summer, I watched two of my closest friends get married, and two more get engaged. God had a funny plan for me to see this happen.  He knew that I had to watch examples of beautiful love stories for my heart to be healed.  Piece by piece, my heart began to come back to together - strangely enough, through the beauty of others' stories and dreams coming true.

I wonder how many times God uses other people's successes to help heal our wounds...and are we listening enough to His voice to understand that is what He is doing?  My guess is probably not.

You know, I didn't feel like I was getting better - I still "felt" broken.  But God used my brokenness to help others as they walked through the EXACT same situation that I was currently going through.

One of the temptations we can face when walking through heartache, is that we "isolate" ourselves from everything that we are meant to be doing.  We are afraid that we will be a "burden" to everyone, so we decide to just be alone - and try to fix it ourselves.  Coming from someone who has done that on a number of occasions, the "I'll fix it myself" technique doesn't work.  You just end up alone. That's it.

Additionally, we believe the lie that we are so "broken," that we don't have anything to offer anyone. I'm so glad that God's voice was loudest during this whole process... I can't imagine if I decided to not continue to serve in church.  Isolation is actually a very selfish idea...one that I think we have to fight against. Don't you think that the devil would want nothing more than for you and I to isolate ourselves from others so that we can't use what God is trying to heal, to bring life and healing to others? Interesting...

I'm now at the end of this part of my journey - and I can honestly say, it's all been worth it.  I know God in a way that I never thought I would...or even, could.  If it weren't for this "painful and seemingly broken process," I wouldn't be healed and on my way to WHOLENESS right now.  

Today, the weather was perfect, and I had the chance to drive out to the beach.  However,  the only way to get to the beach is to go over a "steep" bridge.  I can't fly there, I can't even skip over the bridge.  If I want to get to the beach, I HAVE to cross over this bridge.  Our journey to complete healing is like my journey to the beach - it requires crossing over a "steep bridge." 

I recently asked God if He could help me fall in love again...with life, with HIM.

You see, I realize more than ever now, that there will never be a man on this earth that will come close to God...and that is perfectly fine - because there is only ONE God.  Sure, there will be a man who has the characteristics of God - and who loves in a godly way, but to require that kind of perfection from a human is not only naive, but it is incredibly unfair.

I'm on a mission to LOVE like God loves, to prepare to love someone else the way He does.  That means letting HIM change me from the inside out.  That also means giving Him the time to heal my broken heart and make it WHOLE again - something I'm not sure I had ever allowed Him to do until this year.

Finally, I'm excited about love.  

Recently, a friend of mine shared with me that She knew I was happy when I was watching others live their dreams, but that she wanted to see ME happy, living mine.  It was a hard truth to hear, but she was right.  That day, I was reminded that God wants this for all of us!

Sharing my struggle is humbling, but perhaps someone else feels the same way I have felt...and you need to be reminded that you're not alone.  The fact that God allows us to be that for each other is so sweet, and kind.  He could do this himself, but He uses you and I to be a beautiful reminder of His unfailing faithfulness.  Remember that God is near to the broken-hearted...

Psalm 34:18 says, "If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath."

I'm excited to share my love story with the world one day - in God's (perfectly, perfect) timing.  After all, God-love-stories are the best kind of love stories - we shouldn't want anything less! 

I'm breathing again...weightless again...free again...and seeing the present and the future through clear glasses.  

I'm ready to love again.

Thank you Jesus.

BLANK CANVAS

Last night, one of my best friends walked into my room for our weekly "recap" on life...work...friends...whatever.

I always look forward to our talks.  Mainly because our conversations are always productive, and leave me wanting to be a better woman.

As she squatted down to find a place on the hardwood floor in my room, the words began to pour out of her mouth.  She began to share how she had come to NYC with big dreams, big plans, and the exact moves on how to get there.  She is famous (in my mind) for making thinks "happen."  She is not just a "talker," she makes it happen.  Even more incredible was the tree she painted on her wall that invited new ideas/dreams to take the place as leaves on the tree.

She would write out an idea, a dream, and place it on the tree.  Every day she would look at it, as a reminder of what God had placed on her heart - and she would believe in it. Unshakable in her faith of what God had put her on this earth to do, she would pursue these dreams in whatever way she could find.

That was until this year.


My friend began to find herself in places within our church - positions - that were completely uncomfortable and opposite to what she wanted to do.  But still, she kept faithfully serving.  Week after week, she would confide in the oddness of what she was doing, questioning whether or not she was doing the right thing for her life.  "Am I in the right place, and am I getting off track?"

So, in my room - at nearly 11:30pm, she confessed, "I remember the day that I took those written dreams off my wall for a specific reason that day.  I remember thinking that I was going to put them back up - perhaps even write new ones.  But I haven't been able to do this since then.  I feel like I'm a blank canvas now." (paraphrased, obviously)

As I heard these words,  I began to smile.  The kind of smile that people call "stupid and goofy."  I smiled even bigger in my heart (if that's possible?!) because this has been my story since I moved to NYC.

Up until moving here, I had plans for what I was going to do with my life...all framed around passions that I know the Lord has put on my heart.  The only problem is, that when we do this, we indadvertedly build 4 walls around what God has purposed to be free...and without borders.

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps."

When I think of this verse, I imagine that God puts those dreams and ideas in our heart so that we can start to dream and plan.  He steps in at the very moment when we can actually make it happen with our own ability.  He steps in and completely erases the chalkboard of our lives - and sometimes we wait awhile to find out what will be written next.  

The wait is the hardest part.  During the "wait," we get frustrated, thinking that we aren't making a difference or that we are so far from our actual purpose on the Earth.

Oh...but when God begins to paint on the canvas of your life again, it is absolutely beautiful.  It cannot be compared to anything that anyone has ever done before.  His picture is more detailed, more magnificent, more daring, more adventurous, more YOU...than anything you could have painted yourself.  

That is also the hardest part. 

I  have this big blank wall in my room.  It bothers me when I actually take the time to stare at it.  I've imagined a lot of ideas to fill that space, but none of them really satisfy (what I can't articulate) what I really want.  

Funny...I think that is how it is with the canvas of our life.  

We can fill it with a lot of really good ideas...dreams...plans.  In fact, some of those dreams and ideas were planted in our hearts by God himself - but the timing is what makes it the perfect fit/fill for our canvas.  

What if we filled the blank wall of our life with all the things we THOUGHT were good ideas and dreams?  Would there be any room for what we were actually meant to be doing?

I'd rather stare at a blank wall...and keep serving faithfully in the house of the Lord (Psalm 92:13) then to try and put 4 walls around a life that God intended to be "without borders."

So, I keep doing what's in my hand RIGHT NOW - being faithful to those things.  My job, my friends, my family, my serving capacity in church.  I believe as I keep taking one step in front of the other, I will find myself staring at a magnificent painting.

But don't get too comfortable with even that beautiful painting - we're just passing through - on to the next great canvas. 

The Beginning of THE BEGINNING

Spring.

There is something extra special about the spring-time...the budding flowers, the leaves that begin to grow back on the trees,  the "love" in the air, the sun that shines a little brighter, the grass turning a little greener, and; for every New York City dweller - the smiles that begin to appear on every face... as if they were hidden (or in hibernation) for the winter.

Many people liken the spring to new beginnings... a fresh start.  At least for myself, spring has always meant that something new and "good" was coming - that I was FINALLY going to see the "fruit" of all that I had labored in from the previous months.  

I believed in spring very much - put high hopes in it's fruit-bearing goodness.  I believed in it so much...UNTIL I sat down to write the first blog that i've written in over a year - about 30 minutes ago...and realized that it was time for a new start.  Perhaps, even...a NEW BEGINNING. 

"But, it's Fall."

That is exactly what I said to myself...thinking it would change what I knew in my heart was a timely "feeling."  

"But Fall is right before Winter...and winter is my least favorite.  Why would NOW be a good time for a beginning?!"  

Again, what I ALSO said to myself.

When I say "myself"...I actually mean myself - and God.  I find my conversations with Him to be hilarious most days - because I imagine Him waiting patiently as I talk myself through a solution that only He can fix. (a little side note - hilarious, but true)

As I sat down to write - after a year of delaying what I knew I was supposed to be doing (I know better...but I'm sure it has to do with running from what we're afraid of...etc etc.) I clicked on the old blog that I used to write on to add another entry.  

That is when I felt the holy spirit say, "No - it's time for something new...a New Beginning." 

So - here I am... not knowing at all where these new few months will take me.  But if there is one thing I know more than anything - it's that I can trust in Jesus with my life - and not just the parts of my life that are easy to let go of...MY WHOLE LIFE.

(2 Samuel 7:28:  "For you are God, O Sovereign Lord. Your words are truth, and you have promised these good things to your servant.") 

(Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not in your own understanding - but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will give you the desires of your heart.")

I know that this is the beginning of believing NEW things - believing more like He does for my life - for other's lives.  This is a time for HARVEST... a time to receive and yet prepare for what's ahead. 

So I step ahead. Vulnerably speaking,...with a broken heart...feeling a bit let down by what feels like rejection.  However, I KNOW He is faithful to not only heal it...but to give me peace while I may never have an answer as to "why." (Philippians 4:6-9)

But - this is not really about me... it's about all the people I will have a conversation with one day.  It is about all the stories people will share with me about their own heart breaks and failures.  And I will be able to share the undeniable faithfulness of my God. 

We often respond at the time of "harvest" with: "finally...all the things I've been waiting for...are mine!"...When our response should be more of thankfulness and preparedness for the season ahead.  

We can't predict the severity of the winter ahead any more than we can predict the weather (these days)...but we can prepare for it.  

This is my time to start preparing...no more looking backwards...no more wishing I had something that wasn't ever intended to be mine. 

I'm grateful for this NEW BEGINNING.

"Then He who is seated on the throne said, "behold, I am making all things new!" Then he said, "Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true." Revelations 21:5

(I love sunsets... this is a little over a week ago in Texas)