Love Again.

When I was (roughly) 12 years old, I broke my collar bone in a skating accident.  Up until that point in my life, I had never broken a bone.  I remember the feeling of realizing how much I needed that part of my body after it was broken - and how much I had taken it for granted before that moment.  For weeks after that, I had to learn how to do every-day-activities with a broken collar bone.  It was so annoying. That was the first summer I was allowed to go to summer camp, and I had to wear this "stupid" (my words) brace that was very uncomfortable and painful, at times.  Let me also add that I looked ridiculous wearing it underneath my shirts!

"How was any boy going to like me if I looked like this?!" - Oh, the selfish thoughts of a 12 year old girl!

But, in order for that bone to heal - I had to be uncomfortable...and go through some pain before it healed.  I'm now grateful for that brace.  If not for that brace, I'd be walking around with a strange hump in my collar bone and years of pain.

What about a broken heart?  How do you keep going, keep serving God, keep loving...with a broken heart?

Perhaps the road that has led you to a broken heart is a dream that hasn't happened yet.  Could it be a relationship that was good in all the right ways, that somehow didn't work out?  Even more, is it that you just can't seem to see the sunshine in anything - that somehow, your life is without taste, lacks passion, and your vision seems lost?

I can honestly say that I know EXACTLY how you feel - to all of the above.

Contrary to what many feel, I have not really seen a reason to be depressed about much in my life. Sure, I've dated the guy who cheated on me, and watched my heart get broken over and over - unfairly. Of course, I've watched someone else win what was "my dream" job and tour the world. Yes, I watched my (amazing) parent's marriage fell apart as divorce became a new label in my family. I also know what it feels like to watch someone close to me pass away.  But I have never REALLY known or understood depression - until earlier this year.

I had a good thing going.  An opportunity that I felt COMPLETE peace about was finally mine to live. In fact, many of the people I would call "mentors" felt that same peace.  It was a GOOD thing.  But before I could even be grateful, it was taken from me.  Confusion, heartache, and sleeplessness were now my closest companions.

I kept serving in my church, doing what I loved, but my heart ached.  Countless nights, I'd wake up feeling like my heart would come out of my chest.  I remember thinking, "Nat, you're being dramatic! Get a grip!"  Prayer was the ONLY thing I knew to do.  God, very quickly, became my protector, my friend, my peace, and my only HOPE.  I learned all over again, that prayer is a VERY powerful weapon against every single thought the devil launches our way.

Ephesians 6:13-18 in the message says:

"Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters."

Month after month, I watched as others' dreams were being awakened.  I watched God do "so much for other people," and I kept wondering, "What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?  I know I'm not perfect, but why does my life look so different?"  Everything in my view looked "cloudy" because I truly believed that God did not have the BEST for me.  More specifically, in the area of relationships.

 The truth is, figuratively speaking, the roots of my belief in this area of my life were that "I would never have a good marriage, and that no man would actually want me."  I kept saying out loud all the "right" and godly things to say, but deep down, I didn't actually believe they were for me.

But - God's promises are not just for a select few... they are for me too.

Over this past summer, I watched two of my closest friends get married, and two more get engaged. God had a funny plan for me to see this happen.  He knew that I had to watch examples of beautiful love stories for my heart to be healed.  Piece by piece, my heart began to come back to together - strangely enough, through the beauty of others' stories and dreams coming true.

I wonder how many times God uses other people's successes to help heal our wounds...and are we listening enough to His voice to understand that is what He is doing?  My guess is probably not.

You know, I didn't feel like I was getting better - I still "felt" broken.  But God used my brokenness to help others as they walked through the EXACT same situation that I was currently going through.

One of the temptations we can face when walking through heartache, is that we "isolate" ourselves from everything that we are meant to be doing.  We are afraid that we will be a "burden" to everyone, so we decide to just be alone - and try to fix it ourselves.  Coming from someone who has done that on a number of occasions, the "I'll fix it myself" technique doesn't work.  You just end up alone. That's it.

Additionally, we believe the lie that we are so "broken," that we don't have anything to offer anyone. I'm so glad that God's voice was loudest during this whole process... I can't imagine if I decided to not continue to serve in church.  Isolation is actually a very selfish idea...one that I think we have to fight against. Don't you think that the devil would want nothing more than for you and I to isolate ourselves from others so that we can't use what God is trying to heal, to bring life and healing to others? Interesting...

I'm now at the end of this part of my journey - and I can honestly say, it's all been worth it.  I know God in a way that I never thought I would...or even, could.  If it weren't for this "painful and seemingly broken process," I wouldn't be healed and on my way to WHOLENESS right now.  

Today, the weather was perfect, and I had the chance to drive out to the beach.  However,  the only way to get to the beach is to go over a "steep" bridge.  I can't fly there, I can't even skip over the bridge.  If I want to get to the beach, I HAVE to cross over this bridge.  Our journey to complete healing is like my journey to the beach - it requires crossing over a "steep bridge." 

I recently asked God if He could help me fall in love again...with life, with HIM.

You see, I realize more than ever now, that there will never be a man on this earth that will come close to God...and that is perfectly fine - because there is only ONE God.  Sure, there will be a man who has the characteristics of God - and who loves in a godly way, but to require that kind of perfection from a human is not only naive, but it is incredibly unfair.

I'm on a mission to LOVE like God loves, to prepare to love someone else the way He does.  That means letting HIM change me from the inside out.  That also means giving Him the time to heal my broken heart and make it WHOLE again - something I'm not sure I had ever allowed Him to do until this year.

Finally, I'm excited about love.  

Recently, a friend of mine shared with me that She knew I was happy when I was watching others live their dreams, but that she wanted to see ME happy, living mine.  It was a hard truth to hear, but she was right.  That day, I was reminded that God wants this for all of us!

Sharing my struggle is humbling, but perhaps someone else feels the same way I have felt...and you need to be reminded that you're not alone.  The fact that God allows us to be that for each other is so sweet, and kind.  He could do this himself, but He uses you and I to be a beautiful reminder of His unfailing faithfulness.  Remember that God is near to the broken-hearted...

Psalm 34:18 says, "If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath."

I'm excited to share my love story with the world one day - in God's (perfectly, perfect) timing.  After all, God-love-stories are the best kind of love stories - we shouldn't want anything less! 

I'm breathing again...weightless again...free again...and seeing the present and the future through clear glasses.  

I'm ready to love again.

Thank you Jesus.